I finally figured out why I've been so worried, anxious and unhappy since the start of this semester.
Paul's indicated his concern at how much I stress out about schoolwork and life in general all the time. And I just realized that my biggest concern is that no one is ever going to love me the way I am.
I am emotional, stressed out, high strung, and high maintenance. I'm pretty serious and often unhappy or pensive. Being this way in and of itself doesn't actually bother me all that much. It's who I am. It's who I've always been. I'm getting better all the time but I think it's who I'm always basically going to be.
(I even remember, when I was little and learned that my name means cheerful, asking my mom if she thought I was a cheerful. She said sometimes and even then she looked kind of doubtful.)
I always seem to have all these pesky feelings about things, and they're not even opinions. They're emotivistic and irrational. And I'm okay with that. I think my family understands. I just want someone to listen once in a while and not judge me. They don't even need any good advice. I just want them to understand and care, but not really worry about me.
I don't know if I'm ever going to find someone besides my parents and sister who understand this though. I don't know if it's okay that I'm like this.
And I've been so DAMN self focused lately. I can't seem to stop thinking about myself long enough to listen to Danielle tell me about her day. I'm so selfish. But I have no one to talk to.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
You saw the light when it was on
I made sure not to sign up for more stingray collecting this weekend because last weekend was awful: sunburn, cut feet, frustration frustration frustration. I like camping but not like that.
So last night I went to a Gwar concert instead, and it was intense and hilarious and scary and fun. Their costumes and effigies and props were so completely over the top. (Think: The band as aliens wearing thongs and gigantic fake phalluses, Obama, Clinton, McCain, some random dog and baby dolls that got torn apart, and lots and LOTS of fake blood sprayed on the audience) And I've never moshed before, but I loved it because I was able to get all my aggression out in a legal way :) Although I did get pretty pummeled and broke one of my flipflops (I should have realized ahead of time that I should've worn closed toes, but that's okay, they still work...mostly.) I think I might be kind of repressed and need to do some martial arts, or listen to more metal, to get my anger out, hahaha. Or not. But I was surprised at myself how much I wanted to beat someone up, and basically was able to. A bunch of other people were there looking for a fight too, and they found it. I actually took some pictures too.
I also got honestly, truly high for the first time ever on Friday night and it wasn't fun :( I just felt paranoid and self-conscious, and ate 2/3 of a box of Cheez-its by myself. I don't think that's for me.
The weather sucks right now.
I want to go look at some art but there isn't any good art around here AT ALL. And I have no one to look at it with. And Paul found out what the blueberry patch was so I'm a little disappointed, I wanted to surprised him with it (it's basically a hippy drum circle in someone's backyard)
I have my linear exam tomorrow and am kind of freaking out about it a little. Not too much. I'm listening to music that's depressing me though.
I want to go on vacation somewhere. Paul and I were watching a thing on TV about abuse in prisons and about these prisoners in England that took over a prison for 25 days. The only thing I got out of it is that I want to go to England.
I'm not sure about this relationship either. I don't really know how I feel. Well, usually I feel lately like I want to curl up into a hole and be by myself like a hedgehog for the winter. But like...the kid wants to get a nose ring. That goes through the middle, like a bull. Yuck. I told him he's entitled to do what he wants, but I really don't want him to do that. And I'm pretty crazy about him. But I don't feel quite the connection I did to Kenny. But I'm also not in love, so I guess that's to be expected. It's all psychological maybe. I think I want too much.
Either way, the sex is pretty great
So last night I went to a Gwar concert instead, and it was intense and hilarious and scary and fun. Their costumes and effigies and props were so completely over the top. (Think: The band as aliens wearing thongs and gigantic fake phalluses, Obama, Clinton, McCain, some random dog and baby dolls that got torn apart, and lots and LOTS of fake blood sprayed on the audience) And I've never moshed before, but I loved it because I was able to get all my aggression out in a legal way :) Although I did get pretty pummeled and broke one of my flipflops (I should have realized ahead of time that I should've worn closed toes, but that's okay, they still work...mostly.) I think I might be kind of repressed and need to do some martial arts, or listen to more metal, to get my anger out, hahaha. Or not. But I was surprised at myself how much I wanted to beat someone up, and basically was able to. A bunch of other people were there looking for a fight too, and they found it. I actually took some pictures too.
I also got honestly, truly high for the first time ever on Friday night and it wasn't fun :( I just felt paranoid and self-conscious, and ate 2/3 of a box of Cheez-its by myself. I don't think that's for me.
The weather sucks right now.
I want to go look at some art but there isn't any good art around here AT ALL. And I have no one to look at it with. And Paul found out what the blueberry patch was so I'm a little disappointed, I wanted to surprised him with it (it's basically a hippy drum circle in someone's backyard)
I have my linear exam tomorrow and am kind of freaking out about it a little. Not too much. I'm listening to music that's depressing me though.
I want to go on vacation somewhere. Paul and I were watching a thing on TV about abuse in prisons and about these prisoners in England that took over a prison for 25 days. The only thing I got out of it is that I want to go to England.
I'm not sure about this relationship either. I don't really know how I feel. Well, usually I feel lately like I want to curl up into a hole and be by myself like a hedgehog for the winter. But like...the kid wants to get a nose ring. That goes through the middle, like a bull. Yuck. I told him he's entitled to do what he wants, but I really don't want him to do that. And I'm pretty crazy about him. But I don't feel quite the connection I did to Kenny. But I'm also not in love, so I guess that's to be expected. It's all psychological maybe. I think I want too much.
Either way, the sex is pretty great
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Don't Stress Yourself. Babe.
I am exhausted but I only really have myself to blame. I decided to stay up all night last night. I just took a three hour nap to take the edge off so I'm doing a little better, but I actually had a hard time falling asleep and kind of feel like a zombie now. I am surprised that I'm still functioning in any manner, although I'm not really sure you can call my behavior earlier today "functioning".
Basically it involved failing my second Linear quiz in a row, losing one of my earrings (which happens to be only one of 2 pieces of jewelry that I really care about, because they were from my grandmother before she died and I usually wear them everyday to keep my ears open anyway) and almost bursting into tears at the end of Linear and walking back to my room with tear tracks clearly all over my face. Excellent.
To be fair I only got like that because I was so tired. I was upset about the jewelry and the quiz but normally it wouldn't make me cry; oh Heavens no! It seems a bit ironic that I stayed up mostly last night to understand Linear and it didn't even help me. I'm a failure.
But staying up also did a lot of good things for me. I was able to finally get on top of some homework things, I got to know Ali a lot better (my neighbor, who is really cool, and stayed up also), was able to pamper myself in the bathroom mirror without having a lot of people in the way, lay in the grass and looked at the stars, took an early morning bike ride in the refreshing air to get a hot, freshly made bagel at 7 in the morning, and generally got to spend some time on myself. It's kind of sad that I had to pull an all nighter to get these things, but the world is a very different place at 4 in the morning.
It's a place of constellations, odd math magazines, McDonald's coffee runs, relationship talk, and eyebrow plucking. I don't regret that at all.
Basically it involved failing my second Linear quiz in a row, losing one of my earrings (which happens to be only one of 2 pieces of jewelry that I really care about, because they were from my grandmother before she died and I usually wear them everyday to keep my ears open anyway) and almost bursting into tears at the end of Linear and walking back to my room with tear tracks clearly all over my face. Excellent.
To be fair I only got like that because I was so tired. I was upset about the jewelry and the quiz but normally it wouldn't make me cry; oh Heavens no! It seems a bit ironic that I stayed up mostly last night to understand Linear and it didn't even help me. I'm a failure.
But staying up also did a lot of good things for me. I was able to finally get on top of some homework things, I got to know Ali a lot better (my neighbor, who is really cool, and stayed up also), was able to pamper myself in the bathroom mirror without having a lot of people in the way, lay in the grass and looked at the stars, took an early morning bike ride in the refreshing air to get a hot, freshly made bagel at 7 in the morning, and generally got to spend some time on myself. It's kind of sad that I had to pull an all nighter to get these things, but the world is a very different place at 4 in the morning.
It's a place of constellations, odd math magazines, McDonald's coffee runs, relationship talk, and eyebrow plucking. I don't regret that at all.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
We Died Young, But It's Okay
Well, as my two favorite people have already stated, Livejournal is so over. Oh high school stuff, hah. But I need to continue writing. A lot. I contemplated just keeping things to myself but I need it. I don't think much about anything while I'm at school, except the next deadline, or trying to juggle relationships so that everyone is decently placated.
I am extremely happy though. It's all I can do to stand up under the staggering weight of so much good fortune. That's all I'm going to say on the subject right now. I refuse to talk about people.
Listening to music and looking at art books (right now I'm on Keith Haring...I love the guy's art, although I could do without the repetition of some of the same images over and over again in his early work...like the radiant babies, hyenas, dancing people and penises, penises, penises. You were gay, you died of AIDs, I'm sorry that that happened and you were so young, but we GET it. Or maybe I don't. I wasn't alive then and I don't know how it was.) I kind of wish again that I was one of those crazy people, making art for art's sake, dancing and drinking and living the life of the homeless, running recklessly without limits:
"falling in and out of love with one another, having sex, hailing cabs, riding in limos, boarding UFOs, celebrating life, flirting with death, inspiring one another, ripping each other off, getting their names on the list, finally getting their parents' attention, finally feeling like they fit in, never getting enough, overdosing on too much too soon...wanting to be noticed, pretending not to care..."
I own the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelulah and I didn't realize it until this exact moment when it came up on shuffle. Long live a beautiful song without exaggerated vibrato.
Tomorrow I may go to the beach, and I will definitely make chocolate chip cookies and watch chick flicks with Kristen. I am going to get up early, and work out, and actually eat breakfast, and drink coffee.
I love you.
I am extremely happy though. It's all I can do to stand up under the staggering weight of so much good fortune. That's all I'm going to say on the subject right now. I refuse to talk about people.
Listening to music and looking at art books (right now I'm on Keith Haring...I love the guy's art, although I could do without the repetition of some of the same images over and over again in his early work...like the radiant babies, hyenas, dancing people and penises, penises, penises. You were gay, you died of AIDs, I'm sorry that that happened and you were so young, but we GET it. Or maybe I don't. I wasn't alive then and I don't know how it was.) I kind of wish again that I was one of those crazy people, making art for art's sake, dancing and drinking and living the life of the homeless, running recklessly without limits:
"falling in and out of love with one another, having sex, hailing cabs, riding in limos, boarding UFOs, celebrating life, flirting with death, inspiring one another, ripping each other off, getting their names on the list, finally getting their parents' attention, finally feeling like they fit in, never getting enough, overdosing on too much too soon...wanting to be noticed, pretending not to care..."
I own the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelulah and I didn't realize it until this exact moment when it came up on shuffle. Long live a beautiful song without exaggerated vibrato.
Tomorrow I may go to the beach, and I will definitely make chocolate chip cookies and watch chick flicks with Kristen. I am going to get up early, and work out, and actually eat breakfast, and drink coffee.
I love you.
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