Don't Stress Yourself. Babe.

I am exhausted but I only really have myself to blame. I decided to stay up all night last night. I just took a three hour nap to take the edge off so I'm doing a little better, but I actually had a hard time falling asleep and kind of feel like a zombie now. I am surprised that I'm still functioning in any manner, although I'm not really sure you can call my behavior earlier today "functioning".

Basically it involved failing my second Linear quiz in a row, losing one of my earrings (which happens to be only one of 2 pieces of jewelry that I really care about, because they were from my grandmother before she died and I usually wear them everyday to keep my ears open anyway) and almost bursting into tears at the end of Linear and walking back to my room with tear tracks clearly all over my face. Excellent.

To be fair I only got like that because I was so tired. I was upset about the jewelry and the quiz but normally it wouldn't make me cry; oh Heavens no! It seems a bit ironic that I stayed up mostly last night to understand Linear and it didn't even help me. I'm a failure.

But staying up also did a lot of good things for me. I was able to finally get on top of some homework things, I got to know Ali a lot better (my neighbor, who is really cool, and stayed up also), was able to pamper myself in the bathroom mirror without having a lot of people in the way, lay in the grass and looked at the stars, took an early morning bike ride in the refreshing air to get a hot, freshly made bagel at 7 in the morning, and generally got to spend some time on myself. It's kind of sad that I had to pull an all nighter to get these things, but the world is a very different place at 4 in the morning.

It's a place of constellations, odd math magazines, McDonald's coffee runs, relationship talk, and eyebrow plucking. I don't regret that at all.

We Died Young, But It's Okay

Well, as my two favorite people have already stated, Livejournal is so over. Oh high school stuff, hah. But I need to continue writing. A lot. I contemplated just keeping things to myself but I need it. I don't think much about anything while I'm at school, except the next deadline, or trying to juggle relationships so that everyone is decently placated.

I am extremely happy though. It's all I can do to stand up under the staggering weight of so much good fortune. That's all I'm going to say on the subject right now. I refuse to talk about people.

Listening to music and looking at art books (right now I'm on Keith Haring...I love the guy's art, although I could do without the repetition of some of the same images over and over again in his early work...like the radiant babies, hyenas, dancing people and penises, penises, penises. You were gay, you died of AIDs, I'm sorry that that happened and you were so young, but we GET it. Or maybe I don't. I wasn't alive then and I don't know how it was.) I kind of wish again that I was one of those crazy people, making art for art's sake, dancing and drinking and living the life of the homeless, running recklessly without limits:

"falling in and out of love with one another, having sex, hailing cabs, riding in limos, boarding UFOs, celebrating life, flirting with death, inspiring one another, ripping each other off, getting their names on the list, finally getting their parents' attention, finally feeling like they fit in, never getting enough, overdosing on too much too soon...wanting to be noticed, pretending not to care..."

I own the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelulah and I didn't realize it until this exact moment when it came up on shuffle. Long live a beautiful song without exaggerated vibrato.

Tomorrow I may go to the beach, and I will definitely make chocolate chip cookies and watch chick flicks with Kristen. I am going to get up early, and work out, and actually eat breakfast, and drink coffee.

I love you.