I finally figured out why I've been so worried, anxious and unhappy since the start of this semester.
Paul's indicated his concern at how much I stress out about schoolwork and life in general all the time. And I just realized that my biggest concern is that no one is ever going to love me the way I am.
I am emotional, stressed out, high strung, and high maintenance. I'm pretty serious and often unhappy or pensive. Being this way in and of itself doesn't actually bother me all that much. It's who I am. It's who I've always been. I'm getting better all the time but I think it's who I'm always basically going to be.
(I even remember, when I was little and learned that my name means cheerful, asking my mom if she thought I was a cheerful. She said sometimes and even then she looked kind of doubtful.)
I always seem to have all these pesky feelings about things, and they're not even opinions. They're emotivistic and irrational. And I'm okay with that. I think my family understands. I just want someone to listen once in a while and not judge me. They don't even need any good advice. I just want them to understand and care, but not really worry about me.
I don't know if I'm ever going to find someone besides my parents and sister who understand this though. I don't know if it's okay that I'm like this.
And I've been so DAMN self focused lately. I can't seem to stop thinking about myself long enough to listen to Danielle tell me about her day. I'm so selfish. But I have no one to talk to.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
You saw the light when it was on
I made sure not to sign up for more stingray collecting this weekend because last weekend was awful: sunburn, cut feet, frustration frustration frustration. I like camping but not like that.
So last night I went to a Gwar concert instead, and it was intense and hilarious and scary and fun. Their costumes and effigies and props were so completely over the top. (Think: The band as aliens wearing thongs and gigantic fake phalluses, Obama, Clinton, McCain, some random dog and baby dolls that got torn apart, and lots and LOTS of fake blood sprayed on the audience) And I've never moshed before, but I loved it because I was able to get all my aggression out in a legal way :) Although I did get pretty pummeled and broke one of my flipflops (I should have realized ahead of time that I should've worn closed toes, but that's okay, they still work...mostly.) I think I might be kind of repressed and need to do some martial arts, or listen to more metal, to get my anger out, hahaha. Or not. But I was surprised at myself how much I wanted to beat someone up, and basically was able to. A bunch of other people were there looking for a fight too, and they found it. I actually took some pictures too.
I also got honestly, truly high for the first time ever on Friday night and it wasn't fun :( I just felt paranoid and self-conscious, and ate 2/3 of a box of Cheez-its by myself. I don't think that's for me.
The weather sucks right now.
I want to go look at some art but there isn't any good art around here AT ALL. And I have no one to look at it with. And Paul found out what the blueberry patch was so I'm a little disappointed, I wanted to surprised him with it (it's basically a hippy drum circle in someone's backyard)
I have my linear exam tomorrow and am kind of freaking out about it a little. Not too much. I'm listening to music that's depressing me though.
I want to go on vacation somewhere. Paul and I were watching a thing on TV about abuse in prisons and about these prisoners in England that took over a prison for 25 days. The only thing I got out of it is that I want to go to England.
I'm not sure about this relationship either. I don't really know how I feel. Well, usually I feel lately like I want to curl up into a hole and be by myself like a hedgehog for the winter. But like...the kid wants to get a nose ring. That goes through the middle, like a bull. Yuck. I told him he's entitled to do what he wants, but I really don't want him to do that. And I'm pretty crazy about him. But I don't feel quite the connection I did to Kenny. But I'm also not in love, so I guess that's to be expected. It's all psychological maybe. I think I want too much.
Either way, the sex is pretty great
So last night I went to a Gwar concert instead, and it was intense and hilarious and scary and fun. Their costumes and effigies and props were so completely over the top. (Think: The band as aliens wearing thongs and gigantic fake phalluses, Obama, Clinton, McCain, some random dog and baby dolls that got torn apart, and lots and LOTS of fake blood sprayed on the audience) And I've never moshed before, but I loved it because I was able to get all my aggression out in a legal way :) Although I did get pretty pummeled and broke one of my flipflops (I should have realized ahead of time that I should've worn closed toes, but that's okay, they still work...mostly.) I think I might be kind of repressed and need to do some martial arts, or listen to more metal, to get my anger out, hahaha. Or not. But I was surprised at myself how much I wanted to beat someone up, and basically was able to. A bunch of other people were there looking for a fight too, and they found it. I actually took some pictures too.
I also got honestly, truly high for the first time ever on Friday night and it wasn't fun :( I just felt paranoid and self-conscious, and ate 2/3 of a box of Cheez-its by myself. I don't think that's for me.
The weather sucks right now.
I want to go look at some art but there isn't any good art around here AT ALL. And I have no one to look at it with. And Paul found out what the blueberry patch was so I'm a little disappointed, I wanted to surprised him with it (it's basically a hippy drum circle in someone's backyard)
I have my linear exam tomorrow and am kind of freaking out about it a little. Not too much. I'm listening to music that's depressing me though.
I want to go on vacation somewhere. Paul and I were watching a thing on TV about abuse in prisons and about these prisoners in England that took over a prison for 25 days. The only thing I got out of it is that I want to go to England.
I'm not sure about this relationship either. I don't really know how I feel. Well, usually I feel lately like I want to curl up into a hole and be by myself like a hedgehog for the winter. But like...the kid wants to get a nose ring. That goes through the middle, like a bull. Yuck. I told him he's entitled to do what he wants, but I really don't want him to do that. And I'm pretty crazy about him. But I don't feel quite the connection I did to Kenny. But I'm also not in love, so I guess that's to be expected. It's all psychological maybe. I think I want too much.
Either way, the sex is pretty great
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