Dimension torn free from the future

I finally figured out why I've been so worried, anxious and unhappy since the start of this semester.

Paul's indicated his concern at how much I stress out about schoolwork and life in general all the time. And I just realized that my biggest concern is that no one is ever going to love me the way I am.

I am emotional, stressed out, high strung, and high maintenance. I'm pretty serious and often unhappy or pensive. Being this way in and of itself doesn't actually bother me all that much. It's who I am. It's who I've always been. I'm getting better all the time but I think it's who I'm always basically going to be.

(I even remember, when I was little and learned that my name means cheerful, asking my mom if she thought I was a cheerful. She said sometimes and even then she looked kind of doubtful.)

I always seem to have all these pesky feelings about things, and they're not even opinions. They're emotivistic and irrational. And I'm okay with that. I think my family understands. I just want someone to listen once in a while and not judge me. They don't even need any good advice. I just want them to understand and care, but not really worry about me.

I don't know if I'm ever going to find someone besides my parents and sister who understand this though. I don't know if it's okay that I'm like this.

And I've been so DAMN self focused lately. I can't seem to stop thinking about myself long enough to listen to Danielle tell me about her day. I'm so selfish. But I have no one to talk to.